I'm definitely supposed to be getting work done right now. But I'm in the middle of a fifteen minute long video of a guy destroying a log with a lathe. Or, not destroying. That's not fair. Shaping. But there are a lot of bits coming off in the process. It's the second video in John Cheese's Cracked article from last month, The 12 Most Strangely Satisfying Videos on the Internet.
I believe I'm likely to spend quite a lot of time on this article, so I figured I should probably blog about it.
I'm watching because, like John says, these videos are incredibly soothing -- and I've had a seriously stressful day today. Really, it's starting off with last night, when I had a panic attack relating to my serious dental problems.
You may have noticed that today, if you're paying a lot of attention to this blog, that I had art therapy. About a month ago I said I was going to start posting my art from those sessions, if I felt like it was appropriate. I don't have anything to post today, but it's not because what I did was bad, or too personal. It's because we never got to doing any art. Instead, I spent the majority of the session trying not to cry over my anxiety about car ownership.
At this point in the Cracked article, I'm though the lathing, past the paper marbling, past the guy pouring some molten metal into the sand and pulling out a stool, and now I'm watching one of John Cheese's favorite videos, a video of an old man digging for clams.
The stuff I mentioned above isn't the only really stressful, painful stuff that happened today. But I'm not as comfortable blogging about the other things.
Something came up, a new stressful thing, and I have to stop watching the videos now. It's making me kind of feel sick to think about. I don't know what to do with myself on days like this. I don't know how to get out from under the feelings of dread and self-loathing that come with knowing I have things I need to do, and I haven't done them. I spiral. But I'm trying not to, I'm trying to get better at that.
I'm thankful, though, for the article, and for the videos in it. For a little while, they made me feel calm, they made me feel human, they made me feel like not everything anyone ever does is so incredibly difficult that I can't even contemplate it. Seeing other people do stuff made me feel more like I could do stuff, too.
I don't know how much I'm going to get done today, and I don't know how much of the stuff I do get done will be stuff that was on my list this morning. Probably not a lot of it. But I do know that the time I spent on these videos wasn't a waste of time -- because it helped me remember that there are things worth doing that don't produce any tangible value, and that my comfort and calm is worth something on its own, not just as a means to the end of production.
I'm still scared, and I still feel cold and a little bit frustrated, and the problems that I was dealing with when I started this post are still all there, and they'll be there when I publish it. But I'm going to be okay, I think.