I'm bad with money. And I don't want to think too hard about that, because it makes me feel sad and overwhelmed. So I'm going to talk about food instead for a little bit, then circle back.
This is a Ze Frank video, about cholesterol. It's called Cholesterol. In it, Ze talks about the impulse that persuades him to make bad food decisions, and has put him in a state of health that reduces his projected lifespan substantially. He describes a voice inside his head, that decides what's going to happen ("He'll tell you not to have the sandwich. And we've already established, that's happening." [emphasis mine]) even though it directly contradicts the advice on healthy eating he literally just got, in the building he was walking out of at that moment.
I used to have a problem with healthy eating. I mean, I still do. I ate an entire Ben & Jerry's ice cream today. But I've got my problem in control to a level where I'm pretty healthy -- two years ago, my weight fluctuated between 240 and 260 pounds. I'm 5'9", so that's not healthy. And if you're thinking, "The BMI is total crap, it's possible to be healthy at that weight!" -- you're right. But I'm not a weight lifter. None of that extra weight was muscle. I wasn't healthy.
But my mental block about dieting was so massive that I could barely even begin to do anything about my health. The only times I ever lost any was when I got dumped, and I'd drop twenty or thirty pounds because I wasn't eating because I was sad. Or, when I was working every day around the holiday season, and barely eating enough to keep myself from passing out at work, where I was standing up for eight hour shifts every day.
And I didn't decide to eat healthy. That never happened. What I decided was to switch my lifestyle around food. I took up Weekday Vegetarianism. ([TED talk] [Vlogbrothers video]) That worked, for several reasons:
(1.) Meat is bad for you, and eating substantially less of it significantly improved the quality of my diet.
(2.) There are several reasons for doing Weeekday Veg, so it was easy for me to avoid annoying self-justification arguments about whether I should make that decision, both with myself, and with people whom I didn't want involved in my dietary choices.
(3.) It created a concrete, easy to follow commitment that allowed me to limit my consumption without thinking too hard about why I was doing it.
(4.) I was doing it for myself, on my own terms, so I didn't feel like I was doing it just because people expected it of me.
My weight dropped at a healthy, steady rate of about 2 pounds a week, until I leveled out at 195, which is where I've been for, so far, all of this year. I'm still not skinny. I'm not the embodiment of any ideal of beauty in Western culture. But I'm not unhealthy, in the way I was before, and I feel ethically better about my eating decisions than I did before.
Now, I said earlier in this post that I had a whole Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Which is fine. I do that sometimes, and I'm not worried about it, because it's not my whole diet and it's not every day. Reasonably frequent bowls of ice cream have still been better for my health than reasonably frequent burgers, chicken and steak.[1. Especially considering that I didn't skip the ice cream when I was still eating meat every day.]
But I bought that ice cream. And if you've been following my blog, you know I'm in quite a lot of debt. But I had some money, so I ended up spending it.
I hate having money. It makes me feel uncomfortable, unsafe and guilty. Having money, and relying on money, always implies that I risk losing that money, or losing access to money. I hate having bills, too, for the same reason. I hate that money is a thing, though I recognize and acknowledge its utility.
I hate money like I love steak, and I don't know any easy way to control my spending. If I could, I'd just give all my money away to charity, but while that solves the problem of having it, it doesn't solve any of the problems of not having it. I haven't yet figured out any way that better spending can be a lifestyle choice, the way Weekday Veg is. People's advice for lifestyle changes with money generally seem to be, "Be better with money." It's not that easy, and that approach has never worked for me, with anything.
Sometimes, I hear people talk about a "Welfare state," like it's some sort of evil system that only people who want to lay around all day and not do anything would want. But when I think about my money problems, I tend to find myself fantasizing about exactly that kind of system. I would happily work a full-time job, doing whatever the government decided I was needed for, as long as I didn't have to end up with money as a consequence. I want a place to sleep, food to eat, the freedom to do and say what I want in my free time, to possibly earn enough admiration in an artistic field to shift into doing what I want to do for my living, and access to the resources like libraries and workshops in which I can do and say those things I want to.
I don't want to have to be an accountant. I don't want my success in the world to be contingent, not just upon my talents and dedication within whatever field in which I might excel, but also my talent at keeping track of finances and spotting good deals and financing plans.
When I think too much about money, I get wrapped up in that daydream, and anger at the unfairness that the system in which we live artificially enhances the success of people who are good at money over people who are good at anything else, like engineers and teachers and medical workers.[1. Until they're making enough to hire someone good at money.] And that anger makes it difficult for me to accept the world I do live in, and makes it difficult for me to explore solutions to my financial problems that don't rely on the civilization I live in being fundamentally different.
So, that's it. That's my money problem, wrapped up in a neat little psychological, socialist-idealist bow. I'm hoping that having this out of my system and up on the internet will free up the mental space necessary to work with the capitalist environment I've got [1. Which has loads of advantages, don't get me wrong, and I do see the practical and theoretical problems with my socialist fantasy too -- I'm talking about my fantasy here, not making a serious Utopian proposal. Please don't jump down my throat about being a commie pinko fascist.] instead of getting angry, daydreaming, and stress-spending fifty bucks on scratch tickets and booze.