I'm sort of honest, here. Or, honest-ish. I mean, I'm a fairly consistently dishonest person, so it's not like my blog is a total exception to that. But it's easier to talk about some things on here than it is to have that same conversation, over and over again, with a collection of people with a variety of shades of input I don't want to hear. (If I'm going to have a conversation about my issues, I'd much rather it be in the comments on a blog post than in person with one other individual.) And I want to be more honest. I really do. I want to be able to talk about the way I feel, deep down, really get out my innermost angst and ambivalence.
Not just for the sake of my own airing of my thoughts, but because I want to be the kind of person who's able to do that. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love secrets. Keeping secrets is one of my favorite hobbies. But there's a difference between keeping secrets and letting yourself repress your feelings. If you're not careful, that difference can blur, and I think it's started to blur for me.
Sometimes it's easy to feel like I'm being honest about how I feel -- I could have easily written a post today about how I spent most of the afternoon hiding under a blanket in my parlor hyperventilating, and felt a sort of abstract sense of confirmation that I'd written about what was wrong, without having to worry about opening the door to any uncomfortable dialogues I don't want to get into.
But I wouldn't have actually said what was stressing me out. Why I was hiding under a blanket. Why I've barely done any of the things I have to do today. Why I'm only just getting to my blog now. Why everything, from getting up in the morning to doing my homework to going to therapy to watching fucking TV has turned into an angst-ridden exercise in my capacity to overcome the overwhelming weight of futility collapsing in on me every day.
This isn't a cry for help, by the way. Or, if it is, I'm only demanding help from myself. I neither need nor want to get phone calls from friends about this post. But there's been an existential crisis brewing in my head for about a year now, and I've wasted entirely too much time already without resolving it.
So, there are going to be some changes around here.