vlogging, again, at last

I'm currently editing the new episode of my vlog. I'm also waiting patiently for the next aura of vertigo, so I can pace my med-taking. I have been taking doses of meclizine, staggered, doing my best to avoid chunks of time when I'm not medicated.

This has been a rough week. Like, a really, really rough week. 

Some really good parts have cropped up, too, which is weird analytically. But it's been a lot.

Looking forward to having a new episode to show y'all

lost week

Okay so I did blog yesterday and I'm pissed that it didn't post. I made time during a spare moment at work to write a check-in post, and apparently it just never made it online.

I've been having bouts of vertigo just about every day this week. I'm really hoping, at this point, that I'm doing something wrong that's making it way worse, because the alternative is that my medication doesn't work anymore. Today I pretty much lost the whole day to it.

It's making it incredibly hard to focus, too. For example: I just lost track of what I was doing when I switched tabs for like 15 seconds.

I'm having a bad time rn.

Bad at numbers

The reason I'm bad at math is that I mess up with, like, simple interpretation of numbers. I'm fine with concepts. I'm extremely bad at correctly putting those numbers into contexts. 


So, I'm trying to make my own set of grayscale inks, because I'm broke and you can make gray ink by taking black ink and adding water. And I want it to be repeatable, so I'm keeping track of the proportions of ink to water I'm putting together. 

Eventually I got to the point where I decided to convert the quantities of ink from drops to ml, because there didn't wind up being all that much of a difference between, say, 8 drops and 16 drops. So, I figured powers of four, rounded to the nearest clean ml number. 

And I got the number of drops to a ml by counting drips out of the needle I was using for all the measurements. 

What I fucked up was:

The needle is marked out by half-milileters, and I counted the drops as if it were marked out by whole milileters. That is to say, every line on the needle represents .1 ml., and I thought it represented .2. 

I didn't realize my mistake until after I had mixed the ink that should have had 5 ml of ink (about 50-50 water to ink) using 10 ml., and almost all of my remaining black ink.

So, now I'm just gonna mix them all together and then adjust them haphazardly until I like the spread of tones, because fuck consistency and I'm not going to try to do the math to figure out just how much ink and water is in all these bottles between them.


Today was better than yesterday. I had an episode of vertigo first thing in the morning, in class, then a diiiv meeting, then lunch, then went and passed out for a couple hours. Then I went to a club meeting where, because I was tired and strung out, I was a lot more fighty than I wanted to be. 

After that there was a good bit: I spent a couple hours at the reception for the faculty art show, and got to see a bunch of my professors' artwork, which was very cool.

Now I'm laying in bed playing FTL again. 

I'm gonna get shit done tomorrow. I promise.

So... I may need to start scheduling time for "Weeping uncontrollably" into my weekly agenda. 

I had a rough night last night. Following a rough day. Shortly after a rough drive.

I didn't sleep monday night into Tuesday. I got to sleep the following midnight, for a total of 36 hours awake.

I meant to catch up on Inktober. Yesterday, and today. I also have homework I need to catch up on.

Anyway, I'm going to play FTL till I pass out, because that's about what I have the bandwidth for right now.

Mental Health Day

This isn't an awareness raising post. It would be a shitty one if it were. This is just me talking about my day.

I'm in the middle of writing the second essay of my day. The first one was about memetics and free will. This one is about memetics and corporate personhood. I feel like I'm jumping down bottomless rabbit holes and the stuff about mental health day showing up in my twitter notifications is, like. It's weird.

I missed an appointment with my psychiatrist today. Car trouble.

Set lighting: The Magicians

I'm watching season 1 of The Magicians, after watching like half of season 2 with my parents the other day. And there's a lot to like about this show, but the thing that really stands out to me -- not as a positive, or even necessarily as a negative, just as like a "Wow y'all made some choices and ran with them" is the color grading. The lighting in this show is A. Lot.

Here's New York City:


Here's the magic school:

Here's the doorway between them:


Here's nighttime right before opening a magic door:

Here's 3 seconds later:


Here's 3 seconds after that:


(Also! There's a whole website of stills from TV shows. Which is fantastic. It's called screencapped.net.)

I don't have anything really deep or analytic to say about this. I've seen things where I've been really amazed with how they use color. This isn't that. This is more like you can look at the screen at any moment and know exactly how you're supposed to feel. (In order: bored by the mundane, comforted, a sense of wonder, suspense, wonder again, nauseous & horrified.)

It makes me think of hbomberguy's recent YouTube video "The Power of VHS," which posits that TV as a medium is meant to be consumed passively, without giving it full attention.

The lighting in this show feels expertly designed, not to add a new layer of information or aesthetics that aren't present elsewhere, but as a sort of reconstruction device for lost data: to cue you in on what's going on if you got up to get a soda and came back to a scene change.

All of which is to say: I really don't like the lighting in this show. I find it hamfisted and at times a little nauseating. But I'm also really, really impressed by the thoughtfulness, experience and expertise that must have gone into these choices -- not to make the show deeply rewarding and enriching for close, attentive viewing, but to make the show accessible as a form of low-effort entertainment.

Home for the weekend

I forgot to do most things today. Or, I'm not sure if I forgot. I slept late, had a meeting, hung out with a friend. Went back to my room, and tried to get packed a bit to head home. 

I definitely forgot about vlogging. I'll have to film when I get home. Inktober I deliberately put off. Blogging was somewhere in between.  

My mom's listening to a very strange audio book on the drive home. It's occupying my whole mind and I don't know how to get away from it and write about something else. 

My insurance company wants me to take my meds wrong

My school has picked up a new Insurance Provider, and once again, my insurance card says "Blue Cross, Blue Shield." 


So here's the new fucking bullshit this particular variation of this garbage company is pulling: one of my medications is Bupropion, a dopamine reuptake inhibitor of which I take 450 mg a day. The thing is, the 450 mg slow-release tablet of Bupropion is still under patent, so my doctor prescribes me 3 a day of the 150. 


The insurance company won't cover 3 a day of 150. That's too many pills to take all at once, apparently. They want me to change my prescription to one 300 mg. and one 150 mg. a day. Two separate prescriptions, so now instead of grabbing 3 of those pills each morning, I've got to get 1 each of two different versions of that pill each morning. 

I don't know for sure yet, but from what I've googled it looks kinda like the 300 and the 150 look the goddamn same.

PLUS, who wants to place bets on whether I'm charged one copay for that refill, or two?

i'm using my patreon

so most days my approach to writing a blog post is to just post about what I did that day. But today I mostly did diiiv work, and I'm posting diiiv work stuff to my Patreon.

so, like, if you want to follow that stuff? I've got the mailing list, which is free, and I'll be vlogging about it and posting about it here, but the daily-update stuff is going to my Patreon. Which, also, is part of my work itself. 

Pledge to help me investigate the corrupting nature of money!

I'm doing Inktober!

Doing both KDHume's solarpunk Inktober list and the official one. 'Nother one coming later tonight!

Wall of text

I'm in a commandeered classroom at my college, where I've filled a whiteboard with about 100 to-do list tasks across 23 categories, one of which is "Everything else." (I ran out of space, to be honest.)

A big part of this was getting everything out of my head and onto a board so that I could stop panicking quite so much, and many of these categories don't have anything I need to be worried about within the next week -- which is something that's easy to see when they're laid out in front of you, but not necessarily easy to remember when you've got the whole thing in your head.

wall of text.png

I've got one category checked off already, did the things I needed to do today and the rest of it doesn't need to resolve until November. Today's blog post is another one, so it's about to be two categories.

But there are also sections -- like grant applications -- that are just waiting to balloon out into a whiteboard all by themselves. And for that to be remotely feasible for me to handle, I really need to knock out all these smaller things that should probably take about an hour, but spread across the swamp of my disordered brain wind up being the only things I get done for days.

It actually got way worse after this

I had an episode of vertigo last night. It was terrible. I think heat might be a trigger. Also, though, staring at screens for 15 hours a day every day might be a trigger. Diving into the writing stuff by hand part of my diiiv today in case it helps.

I have a patreon now

I've started a Patreon to fund my Div III project, Memetic Engines of Anticapitalism. 

As I've said everywhere else I've mentioned this, I'm extremely anxious about it. But also I'm pretty excited about the idea of having a relatively closed space within which to talk about how my diiiv is going online, because I don't want to clog up other people's online spaces with this stuff, and also I don't want to put the detailed expression of incomplete ideas out there before I feel ready to do that.

An idea that occurred to me writing my first secret post on the Patreon ($10+) is of having ramps for ideas, rather than having a secret that culminates in a hard launch, and architectures for those ramps. (Sign up if you want to read that full post and also the emotional anxiety stuff surrounding it. Wait till March for whichever of these ideas come to be a major part of my final diiiv if you'd rather do that.)

Updates to project page

Not actually finished but I've finally started to add more things to my "Projects" page, which is very overdue because I'm involved in about a dozen projects in various capacities at least half of which deserve explicit acknowledgment (the other half of which I don't feel I'm involved enough to take any credit).