Today was a day off, and I did basically nothing with it. I know the White Stripes song "I just don't know what to do with myself" doesn't actually describe this experience -- it's about getting dumped, and being unable to function as a person in consequence -- but the main refrain, the title of the song and this post, has been stuck in my head for the last 20 minutes.
I'm angry, and I'm sad, because I couldn't think of anything substantial to do, and I ended up doing pretty much nothing all day -- a few loads of laundry, food that isn't good for me, and a lot of Minecraft -- but I still know I've failed to do things I could have spent my day doing. I barely get any work done most workdays, because I figure it's a workday so I need to compensate, but then I'm so wiped out by my day off that I don't have the energy to get anything done, anyway.
It feels futile. I feel trapped in a spiral of self-loathing and mediocrity.
I mean, there are obvious courses of action, and broadly speaking I intend to pursue them. I think I need my meds adjusted, because since I started my job I feel sad all the time, and I definitely need to start exercising and get my diet into some kind of proper shape. Meanwhile, I'll keep working at the writing, using what energy I have to push myself to get out a reasonable amount of content.
But I can't say that with any sort of passion or energy. I feel flattened out, and my life would be so much easier right now if that weren't happening so often.