Executive dysfunction

I feel a bad executive function day coming on. I'm not sure whether it's too early to say, and the fact that I'm writing this blog post might be a point against that argument. But I thought, for a little bit, that I had a good day ahead of me. Then it just didn't happen.

I got up for breakfast at 7:30, went to the dining hall and ate. So that's a good start to a day. Then, I went to the art barn. I sat next to my works in progress for about 15 minutes. I couldn't shake the freezing cold that got under my skin on the walk back. So I came back to my mod. Now, I'm back in bed.

Oh, I also sent an email.

I'd love to be up for the day now, but I really think I'm not going to be. I'm pretty sure I'm going back to sleep, soon.

"Notes toward a manifesto"

I'm sitting in the art barn at Hampshire right now. I actually have my laptop plugged into the projector, but fortunately (a) nobody's here and (b) the text on this screen is basically illegible because the projector has like 4 pixels per inch.

I'm thinking about the title of Adam Flynn's "Solarpunk: Notes toward a manifesto," and about how many manifestos have existed, thrived memetically, and failed politically. I've been trying to solve the problem of incompleteness in political text: the problem that any set of principles can be applied in bad faith by a hostile actor to achieve an end antithetical to the goal set out by those principles. 

The work I'm doing right now is going to be incomplete. That is a fundamental feature of work, but usually people get to sort of plaster over that fact. I'm going to have to not do that, and it's really hard to come to terms with that fact, emotionally.

Back@hamp

I'm back! As I mentioned in my vlog I was at home this past weekend, and I finally left at about 5 p.m. today. (I was there for car stuff so I needed to wait till it was done.) 

Now, I'm beginning the process of frenetically trying to catch up on all the shit I desparately need to do, and should have worked on much more this weekend. 

Incompleteness

I have been a mess lately. If my web presence is a barometer for how OK I am, this past couple weeks is a great indicator of the crisis I'm in. I have been spending whole days basically grieving the fact that I can't generate the energy and momentum necessary to do even basic creative labor, like writing a post that has a title more thought through than "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."

I'm tired of posting unfinished work, but right now everything I'm doing is in a state of absolute incompleteness. The thought occurs to me that I will have to reckon with this much more deeply when I actually have the bandwidth: doing big, meaningful, thoughtful creative work is not easy to align with doing work that can sustain a creative career.

I'm about to take a break from my vlog, after uploading the final episode of series 5, which is filmed but not yet edited. I'll be coming back after the end of this month. 

I'm going to be honest, I'm really excited about how many complete paragraphs and capitalized sentences are in this blog post. So, like, that's where I'm at.

Camera vlogging: I can breathe again

Alright so this is Friday's vlog, but also I'm writing this post as I export today's vlog. Because, listen: holy shit. Vlogging using a camera instead of a cell phone is So God Damn Much Easier. 

Today's is a fairly complicated episode; recording and editing has taken a total of about two hours. Friday's, the one linked above, took about an hour -- from filming to publishing. That's compared to about a solid day's work of wrangling shit to get a significantly poorer quality video done using my camera. 

I don't think I can go back. Which is to say, I'm going to try very hard to get a grant to cover buying a camera. Because I really need one.*

*Need here is defined relative to a desire: to continue vlogging. This is in the same structure as all other needs are defined relative to specific desires. For example, I need to breathe air, only as need is defined relative to my desire to keep living.