A crown of wrath and anxiety

Missed midnight again.

I’ve gotten in three job applications since leaving my previous employer, which is three fewer than I had enthusiastically declared my intention to submit on Friday. (I didn’t do that here, I think. But it’s written on a big-ass list on my wall.) A whole lot of life is catching up to me tonight, and I feel my energy failing me.

I’ve had this heat around the top of my head, a kind of feverish warmth, since Wednesday, when I found out I’d be losing my job. Closest to the relevant moments, it actively tingled, as if I were gently on fire. A crown of wrath and anxiety was on my head, driving me to get shit done. The world looked big and open and free, and the catastrophes were all coming for somebody else.

It doesn’t feel that way right now. (Well, it’s coming back a little bit, the warmth, because I’m talking about it so much. It’s actually helping me get these words out, because apart from that energy I’m about to pass out in my chair.

Actually, it seems like maybe I can just cultivate this? Sorry this is stream-of-consciousness again but this is the path my brain is taking and the idea that I was out of fuel seems to have fallen away.

This is fine, actually. If I can just stoke this fire, I can get more applications done tomorrow. Fuck RSD. I’ll apply to five damn jobs tomorrow. AND I’ll finish cleaning the kitchen, and unpacking my books, and I’ll watch a few episodes of Marie Kondo’s show and learn how to throw out some of my goddamn baggage, and

)

There’s a marginal possibility that this isn’t good for me.