Anthem health insurance's phone line sucks

I'm very sick. Like, to the point where I'm actually going to go and see a doctor. I have no idea what's wrong, but I've been getting vertigo in varying severity every night for about two weeks now.

Part of the process of getting set up for the doctor's appointment was calling my insurance company, because I'm behind on payments and apparently they hadn't yet marked me as covered in 2016. 

Once I actually got a person on the line it was fine, they were super helpful. But Anthem has the worst frigging automated voice system I've ever used.

First: they literally say that they've just changed the system because people hated the old one so much they had to make adjustments.

Second: It talks at the speed of a ... very slow thing. (I'm sick. That metaphor fell apart while I was writing it. Sorry about that.)

Third: it doesn't understand me. The system does not understand the words I say when I say them. It's awful. I must have a really thick accent, because it doesn't get it when I enunciate as clearly as possible. (I just accidentally added a misspelling of enunciate to my browser dictionary. Dammit.)

Fourth: It doesn't have touch-tone options. The only choice is to respond vocally.

Fifth: Guessing at buttons does a combination of looping you to the main menu, looping you to the second page of the main menu, or hanging up on you. No combination leads to talking to a person, as far as I can tell.

Sixth: Apparently there is a limited number of possible callers, because when I called back after the first time the machine hung up on me, it said all the lines were busy and I should try back later.

It was at this point that I declared that I was screwed, and didn't have health insurance anymore, and angrily ate a banana. 

A little while later I tried again, and after a few more infuriating phone calls, I got through to the line for personal support. (To be clear: The thing I wanted to do wasn't covered in the machine options, I was listening for it. Also, I should scroll up and clarify this where it's relevant, but tbh I can barely move my head and it's amazing me that I've written this much.)

That line consisted of annoying elevator music and a 25 minute hold.

After that, it was great. The woman who took my call was super helpful and my insurance should be back by like tomorrow, at which point I'll finish scheduling a doctors appointment and hopefully have all the awful removed from my body.