I had a list of about 15 things I meant to get done today, with pretty much the entire day free to do them. I think that I've crossed two things off that list. This blog post is going to be number three.
That's not to say I didn't do anything important. I did a whole bunch of work -- I spent the last two hours reading and writing prep stuff for Solarpunk Press. I also scanned a bunch of documents and sorted them into my Evernote account, and shared some of the important ones with the relevant other people.
I just didn't do the important things that are on my list of important things to do.
This kind of procrastination has a strange feeling. It's almost scary -- it's sort of meta-scary; in the actual act of it, it feels productive and reassuring. I'm getting things done. There are all these things that have to happen to make this project work, and I'm doing them! Go me!
But it's like I'm mowing a lawn, and there's a really overgrown patch with a big rock in the middle, and I'm nervous so I just get the whole rest of the lawn while I go in circles around that one big rock. And that part of the lawn is pretty much just as easy as the rest of the lawn, but it manages to be scarier. So that patch of lawn gets more and more overgrown and no matter how much work I put into the lawn, it's never actually going to be done.
(Lawns are terrible, by the way. If you have a choice, don't have a lawn.)
It's not too bad with Solarpunk Press stuff -- because my partner, Faith, is very familiar with my anxieties, we can distribute work in a way that leaves her responsible for all the tasks that are objectively as easy as any other, but have ballooned in psychological difficulty for me to the point where they're outside my ability to tackle.
It's a problem with other projects, though, where I'm responsible for all of the things.