Anxieties, revisited, again (and again and again...)

That's the video I watch when I get sad, and need to deal with stressful information. It's about giving up on your dreams, and dealing with the intersection of expectation and reality.

I found out over the last couple days that my future in the next year or so is going to be significantly more financially difficult than I anticipated. As a consequence of this information, I am afraid. And as a consequence of that fear, I can't get myself out of bed. So, instead of getting up today, I watched 4 episodes of Bojack Horseman. Then I closed it, and still couldn't get up, so I watched this.

I'm kind of afraid to talk about my anxiety online right now, because Solarpunk Press just went online and we're opening submissions next Monday, and I instinctively feel like I shouldn't be honest about my anxiety in any kind of professional context. I certainly haven't talked about my anxiety with any of my employers.

I really don't want to let myself do that, though. First of all, because this is my blog and I don't want to make it a hostile space for myself. Secondly, because I'm not excited about the idea of keeping my anxiety a secret for the rest of my life, and I don't want Solarpunk Press to fail, so I expect that those two realities will need to be reconciled eventually.

And thirdly, and probably most importantly, being honest about the anxiety I'm feeling, whether in public or with people close to me, has consistently been a really effective way of diminishing that anxiety, because it's a way to fact-check my fears against reality.

I'm about to be on the hook for a whole bunch of money I don't have, and I found out recently that I'm not going to be able to keep my current job when I move to Amherst. That's a really scary reality to be facing. But I'll probably be able to find work and set up a payment plan for that money and it's ultimately pretty likely that this won't all resolve in the form of a Kafkaesque nightmare.