I forgot to sleep last night.
The reason I forgot to sleep is that I left Brooklyn 99 playing on Hulu in the background while I played a tower defense game I had just installed on my phone. When I started it was about 2 episodes into season 3. A little while later when I stopped it was 3 episodes into Parks and Recreation, because Hulu had run out of episodes of Brooklyn 99 to play for me. I had spent $2 on additional content for the free game and my neck was so stiff it was starting to crackle.
Today, I spent another 5 hours, and another $2, on the game. I have accomplished nothing else today, apart from making myself an omelet for breakfast. Partway through writing this blog post, I uninstalled the game.
I'm really frustrated with myself right now, on compounding levels. I'm mad that I spent so much time playing a game when I had things I clearly ought to have been doing instead. I'm mad that I'm wasting time and emotional energy being angry at myself. I'm mad at myself for having a headache, being unable to think clearly about my mental state. And I'm mad at myself for playing a game on my phone for so long that it gave me a headache.
I dreamt about being back at Hampshire last night. It was pretty unrealistic but it was more like Hampshire actually is than my other dreams about Hampshire have been. (One time it was clearly a mental cross between Harvard and the Boston Museum of Science.)
I'm really struggling right now. I feel trapped under an immense weight of indecisiveness and lethargy, and I want to just shrug and get through it but I'm not sure that's good enough. I know it's irrational but I'm afraid this feeling isn't going to go away when I get back to Hampshire. I'm afraid that it might go away but then come back again. I don't know if what I need is to find better tools to handle this situation, or if it's impossible to handle this situation and what I need is to arrange to not be in it anymore. I feel like I have to be working to try and be better but I don't know if, right now, I'm trying to do an impossible thing. I don't know if I'm trying to solve a problem to which the only solution is leaving the problem behind.